My very scary issue recently

Hey, everyone!

Okay, so I'm sorry if I worried anyone over this latest happening, but I was really worried, myself! I had no idea what was going to happen and the possibility was very scary! Thank all of ya for your prayers, concerns, and comments. I'm actually glad this happened because I have learned my lesson. Also, I feel that it made me realize a lot of things and not take anything for granted. I try to never do that anyway but now, even moreso.

That being said, I think (I HOPE) it's safe to talk about this now. I'm not entirely in the clear but I'm hoping that they just let it go and move on and forget about it. I hope that they don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. That's about all the I can do. It's out of my hands. I have a very difficult time when things are out of my control- I'm a HUGE control freak! I have to know what's going on. It's very hard for me to "have as much faith as a mustard seed" and leave everything up to God. It was scary because even the Bible says, "His will be done; not man's". That was the scary part! I was hoping that it was not God's will for me to spend several years away from my boys and husband! I can't imagine how that would benefit anyone, and I did learn my lesson.

Now for what I did, and what I was so concerned about. Most of you know that I was an instructor at a half-way house inside of the jail here. I loved my job, for the most part. It was very rewarding and I felt that I was actually helping people. It made me less judgmental, as I realized that these people weren't just "criminals" and that any of us could just as easily be in there! Many of them were in there for lesser things than I have done, myself. Some of them were innocent. Others were in there for scary crimes, like attempted murder, assault, and robbery. Still, most of them were very good, caring people and they were protective over me and appreciative of me, and told me regularly. I decided to quit in February because of a few different things. For one, I was unable to be here at night to eat supper with the family and tuck my boys in, help them with their homework, etc. It was getting very stressful on Sean, having to leave 1/2 hr after he got in from work to take them to basketball practice twice a week, help them with their homework (he has NO patience), etc. Many of my duties were now on home. Also, I was running out the door (literally) as he was walking in from work. He was fast asleep when I got in and I was asleep when he left for work. Needless to say, we rarely saw one another or had any family time anymore.

Another reason that I quit was because of my boss. She was becoming very over-bearing and difficult. She always told me, "This is your classroom. I trust you or I wouldn't have hired you. You do with it what you will." However, security and case workers didn't like me because I'm not a hard butt. Their goal was to belittle everyone as much as possible and be demeaning and make their lives miserable. My goal was the opposite. It was actually in the contract I signed when hired, under my job description. I was to encourage and motivate them and build them up. This caused quite the clash between myself and the rest of the jail (director, head security, case workers, etc). They were always complaining about me to my boss, who defended me but then dug into me, also. I had 50 students each night, between two classrooms, and I was the only teacher in charge of both at once. I still loved the job and didn't mind being so busy, but my boss started making all these new rules. She'd always told me before that we weren't apart of the jail; we just had a contract with them for the use of their rooms and residents (for our students). We weren't supposed to enforce all of these rules on them or be their "babysitter", she always told me. Yet, when she started getting a lot of wrap from everyone at the jail, she decided suddenly (without informing me first) to impose a lot of new, very ridiculous rules, to make their lives miserable.

She began to show up in my classroom and stay the entire night, interfering with my teaching. She would hound all of my students and take over my classroom. She spent half the time making new signs- TONS of signs, putting them up all around the rooms. She taped one every 6" on the tables, saying "Girls only at this table" and "Guys only at this table". What, are they in kindergarten? Anyway, then she taped signs all over the room saying quiet room, absolutely no talking allowed, etc. It was ridiculous! Although when I was hired, she told me MP3 players were allowed, and I had just told a couple of my students the day before that I didn't mind them using them, as long as it wasn't interfering with their work, the next day, she prohibited them, also. One of my students walked in with a pair on and she sent him back to his room, telling him they're no longer allowed. Another student walked up to her to ask her a question (assuming she was a volunteer I hired), and she yelled at her and told her if she said another word, she'd have to permanently leave the classroom! (This was a very shy, well behaved woman who never bothered anyone). She was making everyone's lives miserable in every way possible. Although she'd always told me it's my classroom, it was obvious that it was anything but, now.

On top of that, I attended a house meeting and was just APPAULED at the way they treated the residents (my students). I couldn't believe anything I was hearing. First of all, behind their backs (when talking with me), the director called them "criminals" and other words I'd rather not repeat. To their faces, he tried to act respectable and like he gave a crap, referring to them as our "clients" or "residents", etc. Anyway, at the meeting, he said it had been brought to his attention that many of them wanted to worship together- get together on Sundays for a devo or church and study together. Then he said, "Absolutely not! The way I see it, that is a privilege and it gives you something to look forward to and a goal to work towards..." Wow! All I can say is, I wouldn't want to be him, denying people the right to worship God...isn't that illegal??

Although some of the guys were very flirty, to say the least, many of them were very protective over me and respectful of me. A couple of them were really scary, though. One of them was this drop dead gorgeous, body builder guy. I think he was used to having women fall at his feet because he was very cocky and demanding and rude. He tried being that way with me and I kicked him out of my classroom one day. Instead of him getting upset with me, he took it the other direction. "Wow- FEISTY! I like... You better watch out, woman. I ought to close this door and throw you down right here and go at it. Mmmm...." He told me on more than one occasion that he wasn't afraid of going back to prison and had nothing to lose, anyway. He was always licking his lips the entire time I'd talk to him. He wouldn't look me in the eyes; just looked me up and down, saying, "Mmm..mmm..." and making obscene gestures. When I would walk out of the classroom, to go into the other one, he'd say things like, "Wow....look at the fine piece of a-- on her!" There were other things but these are just a few examples. Then the fact that my boss swore to me when I was hired on that there would be no one admitted to the halfway house that had violent charges, such as assault, sexual crimes, etc. Over the next several months, I learned that several of my students were in there for robbery, assault, and the final straw was when I had one that was charged with a sexual crime and attempted murder with a weapon. When I left work each night, it was pitch black (9-10 at night), and there are no lights on the back of the jail. There is a barbed wire fence with a lake on the other side, and a drainage ditch, and a shed that's dark all around it. You have to walk a block to get to your car, in pitch darkness, by yourself. I wasn't afraid after about the first week, until a couple of guys were scary to me. Then I felt threatened and didn't want to have someone waiting in the parking lot for me one night, or around a corner. (There was nothing between one of the guys' pods and the outside door; no security). The doors were left unlocked. Security didn't carry guns or anything, and they were in between the pods (because it's just a halfway house; not a jail). Anyway, I have four kids to think about and I decided the job wasn't worth it.

I gave my 30 days' notice, but my boss never allowed me to return to work. I wasn't even allowed to go tell any of my students goodbye. They didn't know that I'd quit or what happened to me. I was close to several of them and didn't want to just leave them and give up on them like everyone else. I wanted the chance to explain why I left or at least tell them goodbye and give them a little speech about how important their lives are and how they should never give up or get down on themselves and not to return to crime when they leave, etc... but I didn't get the chance. Anyway, I gave my email address to my volunteer and asked her to give it to any of the students that asked about me or wanted to get in contact with me. I honestly thought nothing of it. I figured, "What's the worst they can do? Send me a virus??" So a few of them emailed me, asking how I was doing and what was going on, saying how much everyone missed me, who had gotten out (for good), who went back to prison, etc. It was nice keeping in touch with them. I missed my job and regretted leaving for awhile; I just wanted to go back. I missed my students and I really enjoyed teaching them and felt like I was making a little bit of a difference in being there. Off and on, one of them would email me and I'd respond, asking how they were and what they were up to, how work was going, etc.

A few nights ago, I received an email from my old boss, saying there were rumors circulating that I've been communicating with some of my old students. She said that she's hopeful it's just a rumor, but that she is going to continue investigating the matter to get to the bottom of it. Then she said that she must also warn me that the jail "pursues such behavior with felony charges". WOW...... so needless to say, I was freaking out! (All of this was on the night before my anniversary, on Zane's bday, so it ruined what should've been a great, milestone anniversary for us. I felt like I was walking in a tunnel, and I couldn't focus or even function. It was consuming me, and all I could think about. All I could think is that, as soon as they realize I have been emailing students, they'll come knock on my door and arrest me and throw me in jail for years. What would happen to my kids? Would the older two have to go live with their "daddy", even though he hasn't seen them in over two years and rarely calls them or cares? They would also be separated from their brothers. We're already really stressed financially, and Sean would have to have a sitter for four kids while he worked! Not to mention missing out on my kids' lives and not seeing them for years on end..... I couldn't even bear the thought! Here I was Valedictorian in h.s., had all As in college, have my degree, am happily married (most of the time haha), and have four wonderful kids. I go to church, read my bible, pray, and I'm always trying to think of ways I can help other people.... I am in no way even remotely close to being a "Mother Teresa"; I'm not saying that! I'm no great person, by any means.... but I'm not a BAD person, either. I try not to do bad things. I don't hurt people, I don't rape or kill or hit... I pray every time I hear a siren or learn bad news about someone.... and now I might be arrested and taken away from everything I care about???

Anyway, it really made me do a lot of soul searching. I realize now that it was dumb of me to email my students. I just didn't want to neglect them and leave them high and dry, and honestly, I missed them.... It's hard for me to just "let go"; I'm too sentimental. Regardless, I really it wasn't the smartest thing to do, and I've learned from it.... but a criminal charge?? That seems a little rash, esp. since I'm no longer employed there. I contacted several lawyers and got different responses from each of them. I talked to Krystal's dad, who was a cop here for 15 years, and knows the law, and he made me feel a little better, but I still wasn't completely convinced. Luckily, I'm still friends with the morning teacher and she called me yesterday. She told me what my old boss said to her and that she was just trying to scare me and was hoping that hopefully I'd quit emailing them after this and that would be the end of it.......

So I think this is the end of it. Obviously I deleted everyone's emails from my account, and blocked them. I had the morning teacher tell everyone that I can no longer email them, and I have learned my lesson. Thinking you might be getting put away for a long time makes you realize a lot of things, though! It's a VERY scary situation to be in and a scary thought, especially when I didn't even intentionally do anything wrong. I couldn't eat or sleep for a few days/nights; it was just too overwhelming. I've been having tons of dental problems lately and have recently began having kidney problems again (the right one this time). We're having money problems and things have been stressful. I owe so much money to my dentist, it's not even funny! We've had to max out so many credit cards due to medical and dental bills. The truck broke down, etc, etc, etc. It's just one thing after another lately. I've been stressed about all of that, and wondering what I can do to help us get out of this and get our heads above water again.... and now that this has (almost) happened, it made me see things in a whole new light. Yeah, those things are important, but now I'm just very happy to walk outside and see the mountains and breathe fresh air, see my kids everyday, take them to the park, go to sleep next to my husband every night, talk to all of my friends, etc... Life has a whole new meaning now, so I'm actually glad that this happened. Sometimes we get so worked up and stressed out over things in our life that don't go as planned, that we just can't leave it in God's hands, but we need to try and realize that everything will somehow work out!

Anyway, sorry for that LONG spill. I just wanted everyone to know the full story of what's going on. Y'all are great friends and I appreciate all of the comments and prayers and concern. It must have worked because I think things are okay now! (And this was a good thing). Thanks, again! I'm lucky to have y'all in my life!!

Love, Me